Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The "D" Word
DATING!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't get me started on this vicious cycle....
Alright...I guess I am...Why the hell would I be doing a blog about it then?
I wish I could be as cliche like that chick off of Sex in the City who would quote some random French poet at the start of her articles that seemed to only make sense after she explained as applied it to the stunt-cock she was dating that hour.
But I can't...So let's talk about hookin up..(non-Hollywood style)
So where does it happen?? Normally...its somewhere you weren't expecting...like after you third Jaeger shot in the back of some seedy Chinese restaurant on a Friday night, while some one is yodeling "You Give Love A Bad Name" on the karaoke mic. Cliche...right? And what happens...you spotted someone...you made some sort eye to ass contact and decided to send your girlfriend/wingman on a recon mission. They return with their data...
Girls - its usually something like: No ring...Socks match...not drinking a cranberry based cocktail...lit my cigarette when I asked for matches and didnt try to grab my ass...
Guys - Dude, She's Hot (Answers alot more questions than you think ladies)
Ok, Im just joking about that. Girls...we guys do think a little bit deeper into it than you think we do...actually, we are probably a lot more skeptical about approaching you. Could that be the air of unattainable-ness (is that an F'in word even?!?@#!) or dare I say frigidness that some of you out there..not all..seem to radiate. And don't try to apply some Wimp clause to this....Like the guy isn't aggressive..most of us are friendly enough to make initial contact, besides I don't like to stereotype those leech like guys who talk to you for 3 hours while holding their cell phones open in one hand and what seems like a police frisking with the other, trying to get "Babygirl's Digits".
Maybe its a Seattle thing...I hear all these excuses from the guys around town that Seattle women are tougher to crack than those on down the coast. So Ladies..whats the story.
So after initial contact..there is the whole "courting phase" as they used to say in the olden dayz...before the "O.C." You know what this is..its the cat and mouse game you play after you find your latest victim of...errrr..I mean TARGET of affection.
These are the hit and run...drive-by type situations...normally involving some type of group events (of course, who the hell dates one on one any more these days). These usually involve a lot of flirting, innuendo, eye-fuckin, and hor'do'uvres (I like bacon wrapped scallops). These are the times you are getting know someone..you clarify out little tidbits of personal information that you had previously interrogated out of their close friends through CIA type interview methods. And these are generally good things..unless she's into dressing you up in a latex Tu-Tu, just for "fun"(not to say there is anything wrong with that). The important thing here is to actually listen...because women will quiz you on the material at a later date, and normally that date is during the Superbowl, go figure. And guys...there is more in this world than just you, so broaden your conversational frame of reference (Im guilty of this one, too). Then the socializing begins...Girls are checking out if their target fits in well with her group of friends and is accepted...Guys pretty much have stopped thinking by this point and are pretty much working on reflex...which explains a lot of stupid shit we say later on in the night that makes the Girl wonder if your a mental patient out on a weekend pass...Please don't hold it against us...were just attempting to fit in and get the approval of your girlfriends (who hold the keys to your eventual hookup.) You can tell by the nervous laugh we perform after everything we say outloud that gets a cricket response. If you've made it this far..you must be on the verge of being drunk...which means its time for sloppy pseudo-affection. This usally takes place with some dance floor grinding or in the vague corner booth make out session...just enough that when her girlfriends drag her off you at last call..your stuck wondering for the next few days if all that was the go-ahead sign to keep up the pursuit.
The application is getting filled out nicely...
You've got personal info (better have the digits by now), a job history, weather they are an illegal immigrant or not, references.
So by this time your hoping to ask how they like their eggs? Right?
Not yet....nope, now you got to get the StuGotz to ask her/him(we can only hope ladies) out on a Real date..one on one even..where hopefully you have not talked about everything in your prior interludes that the conversation can be substituted by two coma patients. I think this is the marker..if this goes well..you should have enough to spark that fire(3rd date, shmerdate)...and WOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, your off to the races....where you hope you both can have a photo finish between the sheets...(crosses more than his fingers) and a happily ever after.
So I probably hit some points..missed some points...or didnt relate to you at all...
Which reminds me of Mitch Hedberg, RIP, and some jokes he used to say....
"After my show, people loved or hated me....or they thought I was all-right"
And..
"When your on stage, you gotta start the show strong...and end the show strong..you can't be like Pancakes....all exciting at first, but by the end, your fuckin sick of them."
So I'll shut up now...and close it out with this...
The ROOTS....November 10th at The Premier in Seattle.
Dirty~Kash
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't get me started on this vicious cycle....
Alright...I guess I am...Why the hell would I be doing a blog about it then?
I wish I could be as cliche like that chick off of Sex in the City who would quote some random French poet at the start of her articles that seemed to only make sense after she explained as applied it to the stunt-cock she was dating that hour.
But I can't...So let's talk about hookin up..(non-Hollywood style)
So where does it happen?? Normally...its somewhere you weren't expecting...like after you third Jaeger shot in the back of some seedy Chinese restaurant on a Friday night, while some one is yodeling "You Give Love A Bad Name" on the karaoke mic. Cliche...right? And what happens...you spotted someone...you made some sort eye to ass contact and decided to send your girlfriend/wingman on a recon mission. They return with their data...
Girls - its usually something like: No ring...Socks match...not drinking a cranberry based cocktail...lit my cigarette when I asked for matches and didnt try to grab my ass...
Guys - Dude, She's Hot (Answers alot more questions than you think ladies)
Ok, Im just joking about that. Girls...we guys do think a little bit deeper into it than you think we do...actually, we are probably a lot more skeptical about approaching you. Could that be the air of unattainable-ness (is that an F'in word even?!?@#!) or dare I say frigidness that some of you out there..not all..seem to radiate. And don't try to apply some Wimp clause to this....Like the guy isn't aggressive..most of us are friendly enough to make initial contact, besides I don't like to stereotype those leech like guys who talk to you for 3 hours while holding their cell phones open in one hand and what seems like a police frisking with the other, trying to get "Babygirl's Digits".
Maybe its a Seattle thing...I hear all these excuses from the guys around town that Seattle women are tougher to crack than those on down the coast. So Ladies..whats the story.
So after initial contact..there is the whole "courting phase" as they used to say in the olden dayz...before the "O.C." You know what this is..its the cat and mouse game you play after you find your latest victim of...errrr..I mean TARGET of affection.
These are the hit and run...drive-by type situations...normally involving some type of group events (of course, who the hell dates one on one any more these days). These usually involve a lot of flirting, innuendo, eye-fuckin, and hor'do'uvres (I like bacon wrapped scallops). These are the times you are getting know someone..you clarify out little tidbits of personal information that you had previously interrogated out of their close friends through CIA type interview methods. And these are generally good things..unless she's into dressing you up in a latex Tu-Tu, just for "fun"(not to say there is anything wrong with that). The important thing here is to actually listen...because women will quiz you on the material at a later date, and normally that date is during the Superbowl, go figure. And guys...there is more in this world than just you, so broaden your conversational frame of reference (Im guilty of this one, too). Then the socializing begins...Girls are checking out if their target fits in well with her group of friends and is accepted...Guys pretty much have stopped thinking by this point and are pretty much working on reflex...which explains a lot of stupid shit we say later on in the night that makes the Girl wonder if your a mental patient out on a weekend pass...Please don't hold it against us...were just attempting to fit in and get the approval of your girlfriends (who hold the keys to your eventual hookup.) You can tell by the nervous laugh we perform after everything we say outloud that gets a cricket response. If you've made it this far..you must be on the verge of being drunk...which means its time for sloppy pseudo-affection. This usally takes place with some dance floor grinding or in the vague corner booth make out session...just enough that when her girlfriends drag her off you at last call..your stuck wondering for the next few days if all that was the go-ahead sign to keep up the pursuit.
The application is getting filled out nicely...
You've got personal info (better have the digits by now), a job history, weather they are an illegal immigrant or not, references.
So by this time your hoping to ask how they like their eggs? Right?
Not yet....nope, now you got to get the StuGotz to ask her/him(we can only hope ladies) out on a Real date..one on one even..where hopefully you have not talked about everything in your prior interludes that the conversation can be substituted by two coma patients. I think this is the marker..if this goes well..you should have enough to spark that fire(3rd date, shmerdate)...and WOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, your off to the races....where you hope you both can have a photo finish between the sheets...(crosses more than his fingers) and a happily ever after.
So I probably hit some points..missed some points...or didnt relate to you at all...
Which reminds me of Mitch Hedberg, RIP, and some jokes he used to say....
"After my show, people loved or hated me....or they thought I was all-right"
And..
"When your on stage, you gotta start the show strong...and end the show strong..you can't be like Pancakes....all exciting at first, but by the end, your fuckin sick of them."
So I'll shut up now...and close it out with this...
The ROOTS....November 10th at The Premier in Seattle.
Dirty~Kash
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Second Verse...Same as the First..
Like Biggie used to say... "uhhhhh....and another one"
So needless to say, my everloving flock, you know my feelings regarding riding the bus to and from work...I'd rather be nipple clamped to a ill-mannered Porcupine.
I will elaborate.....
I settle into my normal seat on the bus. I get on an early stop, so normally there are quite a few spaces open. As the bus progresses down 1st Ave, several patrons enter the bus as would be expected. Now it begins to get croweded. Space is filling up and dammit if at the last stop, I gotta get a guy that wants to sit with me..(Oh no...it couldn't be some hot little number who got her tube top and mini skirt mixed up that day!) So as I am now sharing my personal bubble space with a random stranger I realize that soap is something not everyone owns. Not to mention it seems he wants to share his book with me since his arm is now sprawled out into my chest. But when did his ass forget where the cushion ended and my lap started...He was so close, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas (Then I told him to quit masturbating, cuz I can see it and that puts him on the naughty list.)
Sigh...I did survive, for your sake.
From the Rooftop...
The new Washington Mutual Center...I'd like the office with the walls please, this new air conditioning policy sucks!
Guess I should have looked before I started to go..(Brought to you by R. Kelly and Depends Adult Diapers)
"....HEY HEY HEY...DO I KNOW YOU!?@?#$?! NO! THEN KEEP YOUR BOW OUTTA MY STERN!)
For all those Napoleon D fans out there...check this...
(Click On Napoleon)
"Yer Mom Goes to College..."
Dirty~Kash
So needless to say, my everloving flock, you know my feelings regarding riding the bus to and from work...I'd rather be nipple clamped to a ill-mannered Porcupine.
I will elaborate.....
I settle into my normal seat on the bus. I get on an early stop, so normally there are quite a few spaces open. As the bus progresses down 1st Ave, several patrons enter the bus as would be expected. Now it begins to get croweded. Space is filling up and dammit if at the last stop, I gotta get a guy that wants to sit with me..(Oh no...it couldn't be some hot little number who got her tube top and mini skirt mixed up that day!) So as I am now sharing my personal bubble space with a random stranger I realize that soap is something not everyone owns. Not to mention it seems he wants to share his book with me since his arm is now sprawled out into my chest. But when did his ass forget where the cushion ended and my lap started...He was so close, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas (Then I told him to quit masturbating, cuz I can see it and that puts him on the naughty list.)
Sigh...I did survive, for your sake.
From the Rooftop...
The new Washington Mutual Center...I'd like the office with the walls please, this new air conditioning policy sucks!
Guess I should have looked before I started to go..(Brought to you by R. Kelly and Depends Adult Diapers)
"....HEY HEY HEY...DO I KNOW YOU!?@?#$?! NO! THEN KEEP YOUR BOW OUTTA MY STERN!)
For all those Napoleon D fans out there...check this...
(Click On Napoleon)
"Yer Mom Goes to College..."
Dirty~Kash
