Monday, May 21, 2007
So I am moving in the next two weeks. Out of the Casa el Charleston and into the Casa de Sean....at least temporally. I am still slackin ass on finding some discernible form of employment to toil away at until I hit the Mega Millions or con the company into a big insurance settlement on my "trick" pancreas. For those that don't know....previous blogged corporate employer made yet another genius move and decided to outsource my job to the land of curry and sacred cows where you now can be helped by someone named "Paul" yet his name is spelled Pigurharsermangry and he has the lyrical aptitude of a retarded 4th grader chewing on marbles. And don't get me wrong, I love retarded 4th graders, just not when they take my fucking job.
Ahhh...its for the best....I guess....time to decompress...get my center back....find something that will challenge me and possibly be a better environment. I appreciate my buddy Sean for allowing me to invade his domicile for the time being, although I am sure I can't have those late night Pudding and Porn wrestling date's with "Lexus" from the Deja Vu downtown.
Although.....Butterscotch does match his carpets.....hmmmmmmmmmmm
Don't worry everyone.....she pays me.....Remember...I'm the one who's unemployed!
Monday, April 23, 2007
6 Months, 18 days, 4 hours, 26 minutes
Because I've been trying to find myself....to get to know the Dirty inside the Kash.....to try and understand why is it that I let my mind wander at time's about the world and if there is a chance to ever save it.....if I mean something to someone and if that someone realizes it and wants me to mean something to them too....or if my higher purpose is to lead this community to it's most enlightened state so we may change our surroundings for the better...........
NAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just being lazy...........sorry.....
File this picture away as the greatest thing ever made.....Genius...shear Genius.
Normally, I would make fun of people for having too much god-damned time on their hands to create something like this....now...if it was hot air balloon of say their pet Shar-Pei or Rosie O'Donnells ass (which I think is one already) then I would be forging them a perscription for Thorazine, just so they can live their pathetic lives drooling for the next 20 years because it would be more productive. (I know, you already work with a manager who resembles this type of person, life is unfair...thats why they get paid more than you to drool).
I know you were all disappointed to not hear from me during the Britney Spears drug coma period of the last six months, but what more could I add....the comedy that is her life was so well written, I thought she hired the writting staff from "The Office" to plan her daily activities. But now she is going to Lipo herself back into shape....like you do....go record another album....and try and show the world that she has changed....because there is no way Cocaine, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Xanax will ever rule her life again! And I say good!....bitch kept breaking into my stash anyway.
So put me back on your "things to do" list, because I'm back, and the sheep are nervous.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
So I have finally shaken off the rust that was on my mind lately. Finally inspired to come back and write some of this stuff down that I just gawk at in amazement and what makes me feel like I have a semi-normal psyche out there. I just havent found anything funny lately...lame I know....not even when I saw this woman walk face first into a glass wall at Westlake Center......wait....no.....ok yeah, that shit was funny, but I felt for her embarassment as her husband pointed and laughed. He must have been forced follow to her around while she was shopping that day and it was the only retaliation he had....needless to say....he probably didnt get laid that night.
So the B-Spears/K-Fed Express to Hell has finally derailled. And immediately she has made a 100 point jump on the DK Hot-O-Meter (bet your curious where you stand, huh?) Word is that K-Fiddy was upset and constantly complaining that Britney ran out of nipples for him to leech off since they had the second spawn. Britney was then forced with the decision of experimental nipple enhancement surgery or divorce. This dude is happy she has decided on the latter.
Next up....BIKERS! No no...not the Harley ones...Im talking about the Schwinn Schnobs and the "Ohhh Im Edgy cuz I got calf tatoo's" Bike Messangers. These pricks are on my list.....and its long and distiguished.....just like my....nevermind. So these F-holes are the ones that weave their way in and out of traffic during rush hours, jumping on the sidewalk and sending the pedestrians flayling. They go through stoplights like they're ornaments on the X-mas Tree, and run down the right sides of your car when your trying to make a right turn....then look at you like your the asshole when they almost wrap their skulls around your bumper. FOLLOW THE STREET LAWS OR GET ON THE SIDEWALKS YOU PRETENTIOUS FUCKS!
Ok..one more thing.....have you ever sneezed with your eyes open? Happened to me last week....and it hurt alot. My eyes popped out of their sockets like Elmer Fudd checkin out Buggs when he was cross-dressing...only without the hoots or cat calls...I think my only response was "OW....SHIT!" And one of my testicles hurt for a week after too. Not sure if it was from the sneeze, or because I was masturbating to Buggs Bunny dressed as a woman at the time it happened.
HA HA HAAAAA~~~~~Comedy......
I hope you are still all my friends.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Let's start with something I just recently saw regarding Ms. Spears....she's now giving my girl Jessica a run for her money in the "Ditz" catagory...see for yourself (or some of you that actually made up the 12 people who watched "Chaotic" you can move on.)
So let me get something right here....she is mad because she thinks she has missed out on life? Ok, I can sympathize with her...I am sure that the paparazzi are something to be desired...and always paranoid about if people are after your money (not sure how Federline got under her radar) . So I can understand that. But she lost all cred with me when she stated that she thinks there are people around the world today who can move through time.......like Marty McFly. So if this is the case...and if these so called "Time Travellers" are reading this blog....I have a request. Please go back in time and if at all possible...stop the union of Spears and Federline....I dont care how you do it...and I don't want to know...I will leave you to your own devices. There is no way that this untalented slag of flesh should be able to live his current lifestyle while I get to go to work everyday and come up with new ways to kill a person with only a sharpie marker and pad of post-it's. I had more respect for here when I thought she was letting Fred Durst snort coke off her ass. Oh and if at all possible...skip ahead a few days and replace all the crap card's I'm about to get with Ace's and King's....and bless Mommy and Daddy...and....oh wait...sorry..had a 5 year old flashback there....*tear* good times...*sigh* good times.
Another one from the Archives....enjoy
(I have to apologize to all the readers at my work...now with YOUTUBE blocked, make sure you check out the vid's at home.....other than that...I dont care...cuz Im in Vegas)
I was wondering after watching this if these are the "Time Travellers" that Britney was reffering to...Well according to Rick's Commodore 64 computer there, between this year and the year 2016 there must be some devastating event that causes people to mutate...and our only salvation is a former soap opera star and a band of dancing technicians??~!@#!!~? If this is true, I only have one thing to say....
Hello God....I'd like a refund please....
I'll be posting pics to the picture blog site this week, so make sure you check 'em out!...just click on the link on the right....
Don't worry kids, I always got the Nuts....
Monday, July 31, 2006
Like sand through the hour glass....
I am currently faced with what would seem the longest unit of time know to man....that is next to being forced to watch the movie "Pootie Tang". What I am referring to is this work week...the one before my vacation starts. As I sit here and languish beind the keyboard...slaving away under these opressive conditions...all I dream about is cocktails and green felt...turning over pocket aces on pocket kings...the yell of the Croupier shouting "Yo, Eleven". Frank, Sammy and Dino at the Sands....ahhhh...yes Las Vegas. I wish I could bring each and every one of you. (Que the "awwwwwww's)
So to make it through this week is like watching Paris Hilton trying to solve a multiplication problem...(I should really stop using her...but she's such an easy target)...so I need to distract myself with other topics and activities.
RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - Police have arrested a man on suspicionNow don't you think it would be easy to spot the other suspect....He's gotta be the one in the speedo sportin wood all day on the beach....I would think this is an easy one....I hope there isnt a police line up...
of stealing anti-impotence drugs from dozens of pharmacies in the past year
and were seeking his accomplice in what they are calling the "Viagra
gang." One was arrested and we know the other one's identity and are looking
for him," a Rio de Janeiro police spokesman said on Wednesday.
The men are suspected of holding up more than 35 pharmacies in the same drugstore chain. Police said they stole anti-impotence drugs such as Viagra as well
as money from registers. The chain estimated its losses at some
$220,000. Police said the partners sold the drugs on the black market and
were so successful that they drew criticism from an unlikely source -- the
criminal underworld. Taped phone conversations show members of a powerful
drug gang from the same slum where the two lived complaining that their illicit
business was drawing too much police attention to the shantytown near Rio's
famed Copacabana Beach.
Policia: Sir, can you identify the man who sold you the Viagra
Witness: Yeah, he's the one there with the unit that you can go deep sea fishing with...
Or this tid bit of interest....
Two things I found hilarious about this article are 1. Corbin Bernsen still has a career and B. "Saskatchewan's biggest housewarming party ever!#$@?." which should consist of a twelve pack of Molsen Ice, 3 sheep, and a snowblower. What ever the combination of the three is produced we should trade for Paris Hilton. (See..right back to old Faithful)
TORONTO (Reuters) - A Canadian man was handed the keys to a three-bedroom house Wednesday, exactly a year after he offered a red paper clip online, asking to
trade it for "bigger or better" things. In his latest trade, Kyle MacDonald,
26, swapped a bit role in a Hollywood movie for a house in the small Western
Canadian town of Kipling, Saskatchewan.
When he started his quest with the paper clip, MacDonald said getting a house was his goal. He traded in the paper clip for a fish pen and eventually moved up to an afternoon with rocker Alice Cooper before snagging the Hollywood movie role in his 14th trade. Wednesday, the mayor of Kipling presented MacDonald with the house in return for a role in the movie "Donna on Demand," starring Corbin Bernsen. Kipling, population 1,140, will give the role to the winner of a contest it plans to hold in September. "We're getting some very positive attention, and that never hurts any community," Mayor Pat Jackson said in a telephone interview. Local businesses have donated housewarming gifts such as flowers and wine, and a 12-foot red paper clip has been erected in the front yard. The town plans to build "the world's largest red paper clip" at a yet-to-be-determined location. MacDonald, who lives in Montreal, has become an Internet and media sensation during his series of swaps, garnering interviews and attention from as far away as Japan.
He said on his Web site that he and his girlfriend will move into his new house before September and plan to throw "Saskatchewan's biggest housewarming party ever."
So I attempted to do this experiment myself on Craig's list...I started with one of those office staple pullers (you know..the ones that you play with at work like its Pac - Man) and I somehow got sidetracked in my trades into being a sperm donor for KD Lang and her partner....or maybe it was Clay Aiken...I always get those two confused.
See you soon boys.....see you soon.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Call me retarded....
Call me old....(but if you do...Im kicking your ass)
I had such a good time watching that UKrew video a few blogs ago that I went back into the archives and dug up one from way back. You may know him as the idiot behind that song "Rock Me Amadeus" but Falco had a genius song and video back around 1984. I am sure you will enjoy it purly on its production values...not to mention the talent.
He he he....
Doesnt it just make you giggle with delight....almost like sitting on the sprinkler head when you were a kid....(errrrr......I might have said too much there). Well these hacks from America called "After the Fire" decided a year later that they would cover this song too...which I am sure is the version everyone out there knows...(If you want to see/hear the hacks in action, see below)
You be the judge....All in all...just bask in the 80's glow....
T minus 21 days and counting untill my next sojourn to Las Vegas...5 days of sun and fun...not to mention trying to win enough cash to allow me to fund my own personal war against Lindsey Lohan. She looks like what would happen if the Gingerbread Man and a hooker ever had a child.
Don't Turn Around....Wha Uhhh Ohhhh.... (And then the Gingerbread Man had to go and get a towel...)
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Some of you out there can appreciate the absolute idiocracy that The Hoff represents. Others of you are now thinking about blocking all my future emails and praying that you get refunded the time you just wasted in your life watching this video. I am doing both.
Granted...Knight Rider was a staple of my youth...but only because I liked seeing KITT take off over some "sweet jumps". Then came Baywatch...do I need to even explain to the world that the only reason anyone was watching this show was for the two co-stars that Pam and I affectionately call "Poncho and Lefty" (@)(@).
The topper of all of this is the production value of this video....I've made better music videos than this...and I graduated from the Art Institute! I guess it could be worse...Paris Hilton could be in the video with him....then I know were only a few short minutes away from the Apocolypse.
I cannot even fathom the spawn of evil those two would produce. But I think it would look like this....
Have a Cracky Day!